Subtle psychological abuse in family relationships

The United Nations say that since the COVID-19 outbreak, new data and reports presented by those on the front line reveal that violence against women and girls has escalated, especially violence at home.

Dr. Dámaris Quinteros, a psychologist, and professor at the Universidad Peruana Unión shared with the Basta de Silencio initiative an article on emotional abuse at home, how to identify it and what should be done. Faced with this scenario, the South American Adventist News Agency shares an article about it.

A woman in tears and trying to collect her confused ideas expresses: “In my house, there is no yelling or pushing, I have been slapped. However, I feel that something dark is happening in my home, and I am distressed at the possibility of getting used to it and tolerating it. The attitude of my family members hurts me, and although they are not blows, the pain is real ”.

There is a subtle form of mistreatment in the home. Because it’s not reported as often, the problem isn’t reflected in statistics. However, it is one of the twisted forms of interaction that can take place inside the home in a chronic and toxic way. It is a hidden or subtle psychological abuse, whose frequency, concealment, and damage exceed the result from physical violence (Perela, 2010).

Psychological abuse can be defined as behaviors and attitudes that permanently or lastingly hurt the feeling of self-love and personal worth (Mayordomo, 2003); Situations that may include insults, threats, deprivation of liberty, and other disrespect (Perela, 2010), generating fear, anguish, feelings of inferiority, debasement and wear and tear of moral and physical resistance (Barquín, 1992). In addition, two ways in which psychological abuse manifests itself can be distinguished are: openly, manifesting itself through attitudes of control, domination, and indifference; and subtly, where the messages of underestimation, isolation, and rejection are more disguised or are presented together with supposed affectionate messages; women, children and girls are the main victims of this form of abuse (Marshall, 1999).

The subtleties of psychological abuse can cause confusion and perplexity in those who suffer it. Victims of this situation may come to feel, and believe, that it is an incorrect interpretation of the words or behaviors of their aggressors, who generally manipulate the critical thinking capacities of their partners or children, leading them to accept information or orders that cause them discomfort and unhappiness. This produces strong emotional exhaustion affecting self-concept, self-assessment, and autonomy.

Some forms of family interaction that are part of the repertoire of subtle psychological abuse are described and analyzed below:

• Absence and distancing: How much harm can a person cause by being more preoccupied with work or other tasks, rather than prioritizing their relationship with their spouse or children? Well, there is subtle psychological abuse when you prefer to spend more time on activities that take place outside the home and that involve distancing yourself from household members. The same thing happens when one decides to spend more time spending time with a person of the opposite sex, instead of dedicating those valuable hours to the relationship with the husband or wife; or when a son or daughter asks to play with their parents and they, being able to do so, complain of fatigue and prefer to watch a television program or surf the Internet. The premeditated absence and conscious distancing from the members of the household leave marks, faint at first;

• Criticism and ridicule: In the daily conversations of a couple, expressions can appear that, with the appearance of being simple jokes, hide jokes and sarcasms that are degrading to the dignity and honor of a person. Criticism and ridicule directed at the couple undermine the image before others and personal safety. But, in addition, they deteriorate the self-concept of the person who pronounces them, since they arise from an attitude of personal overvaluation or as a defense mechanism against their own emotional voids. Those who receive constant criticism of their physical appearance, their mental capacities or their behavior may experience pictures of anxiety and deep sadness, feeling powerless to face and resolve this situation. On the other hand, criticisms directed at children are emotional blows against those who do not know how to defend themselves; their minds, still in training, are just beginning to develop the mechanisms to filter and analyze what they hear and what they see. Proverbs 12:18 points out that "there are men whose words are like the blows of the sword." Remember: “All hasty words must be restrained and there must not be even the appearance of a lack of mutual love. It is the duty of each [family] member to be kind and speak kindly ”(White, 1988, p.177).

• Refusing to give affection: Being insensitive and indifferent to the needs, pain, illness or achievements of family members also reveals the presence of subtle abuse. Considering that the human being primarily needs support and acceptance, having an attitude of deprivation of affection towards the partner creates distances without bridges, generating distrust and opening cracks in the relationship, which become permanent. Likewise, depriving a child of love is like withdrawing access to water from a plant, generating fragility and emotional lability, marks that will be reflected in his future personality as a young man and an adult. Against this, White (1988) explains: “By speaking kindly to children and by praising them when they try to do well, parents can encourage their efforts.”

• Disparagement: This term refers to the attitude of having little esteem for a person or having it in less than what it deserves (Real Academia Española, 2019). In the Bible stories are recorded people who acted with contempt, an example of this occurred when “Michal daughter of Saul was looking from a window and saw King David jumping and dancing with all his might before the Lord; and despised him in his heart ”(2 Samuel 6:16). Michal felt rejected and devalued her life partner; her contemptuous words and gestures wounded David to the point that he refused to have children with her. David's response gives evidence of how damaging contempt can be in a relationship. And what if this occurs only in the mind, without being translated into words or actions? Does it cause any harm? Proverbs 23: 7 points out “because what is his thought in his heart, such is he”, evidently, character is shown not only in what we do but also in what motivates our actions. Nichol (1990) explains that offenses to God and others are "an act of the superior powers of the mind, reason, free will and will" (p. 287), so much so that every action is the fruit of a prior internal decision. Thus, contempt has consequences both for the person who receives it and for the person who harbors these intentions.

What to do in these scenarios? Is there a way to deal with the subtlety of abuse in family relationships? Here are three recommendations.

• First, admit that you are dealing with a real problem. If a person is going through any of the situations described, and if, in the light of biblical and professional advice given, they recognize that the attitudes in their family environment represent psychological abuse, accepting it can be the first step to achieve important changes in their relationship.
• Second, take time to prayerfully reflect. God is willing to grant courage and wisdom to correctly discern and interpret feelings and what generates them. It may be that you have been acting offensive yourself and need to seek God's forgiveness. At this stage it is also valid to turn to a personal or professional advisor to help clarify doubts and ideas.
• Finally, plan the actions to correct the situation. Take into account that honesty and assertiveness are valuable tools in dealing with the problem with your spouse or children. The changes that are initiated by oneself, even the smallest ones, are modifying the environment, and their constancy reveals clear messages and instills respect.

Without a doubt, going through complex situations such as psychological abuse can lead us to think that God forgot about the situation, but remember this passage from Isaiah 40: 27-29 and 31: “Why are you murmuring, Jacob? Why do you grumble, Israel: 'My way is hidden from the Lord; Does my God ignore my right? ' Don't you know? Haven't you heard? The Lord is the eternal God, creator of the ends of the earth. He does not get tired or weary, and his intelligence is unfathomable. He strengthens the weary and increases the strength of the weak… those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will fly like eagles: they will run and not tire, they will walk and not tire ”. Claim this promise and renew your confidence that God, the God of the impossible, takes into account your situation, and is ready to help you.

This article was originally published on the South American Division’s Portuguese news site