Since childhood, we have been taught to forgive and forget. It has become an exchange akin to most social norms, becoming watered down in its importance. For many, forgiveness is a hard concept to understand in full, and even harder to apply. Yet, we are never meant to do it alone. In this episode of ANN InDepth, Jennifer Stymiest and Sam Neves talk with Pastor Morgan Kochenhower, pastor of the Frederick Adventist Church, in the US state of Maryland, on what forgiveness is meant to be from the gospel context and how to apply it in our Christian walk.
Forgiveness is a topic that has become passive action, however there is a great deal of heart work needed to truly forgive. Kochenhower reminds us that, “Forgiveness is not something that is supposed to be this quick hit”. Scripture shows that examples of forgiveness are present from Genesis to Revelation. The examples mainly shown by Christ and his disciples seem to be performed with almost impossible humility, ones that confront our ego in uncomfortable ways that challenge us. In looking at the requirements of scripture from a sin-filled, secular perspective, asking forgiveness can cross from humility to humiliation. No one, no matter how evolved, likes to admit they were wrong. This is where we, as Christians, have an advantage. Rather than taking on the effort of forgiving by our own power, we must first come to God. It is God who is the authority on forgiveness, with the entire human experience being one never ending testament to God’s inexhaustive ability to bathe us in forgiveness.
Even with the power of Christ guiding us in the process, we must remember that forgiveness is not linear. There may be times when a one and done method do not work. Healing from hurt, real hurt, requires time. Yet we often put forgiving over the cognitive horizon, an act done once the healing has resolved, when the wound has healed and forgiveness can be given from an objective higher plane. However, this is not true. “If you've truly been hurt,’ says Stymiest, “it may take forgiving more than once to truly get to the point where you can be in a relationship”. Forgiveness is not the end result, it's a step in the process. Neves articulates this by saying, “If you wait to stop hurting before you forgive, that day will never come, because it is forgiveness that's part of their healing”.
This point highlights why forgiveness is necessary. Forgiveness is a ripple effect that provides internal and relational healing. Without asking (or receiving) forgiveness, healing stalls and we remain stagnant in a state of pain and resentment. For some, internalizing hurt can seem like a resolution; reminding ourselves that we are not really hurting or have hurt someone and that the issue does not exist. However, this can only cause the conflict to fester. The first step is confronting the need for forgiveness. Stymiest confirms stating, “what I have learned is: dealing with those feelings when you feel them, admitting that you feel that way, and dealing with it right away, it's probably a good step to take because you can't actually forgive if you're not willing to admit you're hurt”.
By allowing forgiveness to be applied, not as a bandaid over a cancerous wound, but as a solid intentional treatment, we grow in our dependence on God, heal from past hurts, promote deeper awareness for our actions, and bridge the gap in relationships.
“When we forgive,” says Kochenhower, “forgiveness is actually taking away anything that would hinder us from being in fellowship together.” Every example of forgiveness within the bible acts as a form of restoration. It is a restoration of things lost, which then allows us to progress as a community. We cannot live in Christ-like fellowship with someone who is hurt or has hurt someone, and refuses to reconcile. Kochenhower reminds us that there are two sides to every hurt, both equally as damaging if neither are receptive to the process of forgiveness;
“I don't think we'll ever realize the hurt that we have caused others and we don't realize the depths to which we've been hurt,” he says.
We all struggle with forgiveness, and the pain that comes with it. Yet, this struggle is often dictated by myths surrounding what it is meant to be. Though the need for forgiveness is universal, the circumstances which merit its need, can vary. When addressing conflict in the church, Matthew 18 provides a guideline. However, the intent for the forgiveness will motivate the manner in which forgiveness is extended. Kochenhowar elaborates by saying, “are you looking to save the relationship, or are you looking to be right?” Personal conflicts are also to be dealt with, with respect and humility and the intention of healing the relationship.
However, what about those issues that cause true harm to the heart, mind, and body? For those struggling to identify emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse or removing themselves from domestic violence, the call to forgive and forget can seem like blame, a trivialization of suffering that puts the responsibility on the abused. It is a painful reality that some have used the healing message of forgiveness as a means of silencing the abused, but it was never meant to be used like this. Kochenhowar clarifies by saying “ it's not the victim's responsibility to try to go make things right with the person who hurt them. It's supposed to be the person who hurt them taking the responsibility and proactively saying I shouldn't have done that.” Unfortunately, in a sinful world, those who have caused pain and suffering rarely ask for such forgiveness. It is here that the true nature of forgiveness must be practiced. Forgiveness does not mean that the abuse is excused as trivial, forgiveness does not mean you must stay in an abusive situation (be it mental or physical), and forgiveness does not mean that you must move alone. Here is where we are to live in dependence on God for the grace to forgive, and the strength to move on.